Observational Humor & Cultural Commentary Sample

The Deep, Primal Shame of Misjudging a Handshake

There is no human interaction more fraught with soul-crushing, dignity-shattering potential than the handshake.

It should be simple. Extend hand. Grasp. Shake. Release. But no. Handshakes exist solely to remind us that even the most basic social rituals can crumble into psychological warfare.

You extend your hand. They go for a fist bump. Now you’re trapped in a hellish hybrid greeting—a bastardized fusion of two customs that were never meant to merge. Your hands make contact in a way that defies all logic and evolutionary necessity. No one wins.

And then there are the other handshake disasters:

>The Limp Handshake – The social equivalent of a soggy napkin. Instantly lowers your credit score. Leaves you questioning if the other person is even alive.

>The Bone-Crusher – Why are you trying to assert dominance? This is a greeting, not a medieval trial by combat.

>The Sweat Transfer – Excuse me, what were you DOING before this? Running from the cops? Training for a bare-knuckle boxing match?

>The Prolonged Clasp – Too much eye contact. Too much emotion. It becomes a hostage situation. Let go. Let. GO.

>The Double Clutch – You thought the handshake was over? You thought you were free? Surprise! They hit you with a second, completely unnecessary squeeze. Are they your dad? What is this??

Handshakes Should Have a Post-Handshake Debrief

After every handshake, both parties should be required by law to immediately rate the experience out of 10 and explain what went wrong.

“That was a 5/10 at best. Your grip was confusing, and I felt like you were about to propose to me.”

“I got too much palm sweat. I need emotional compensation.”

“You went in too fast, I wasn’t ready, and now I feel like I owe you money.”

And What the Hell Are You Supposed to Do with Your Eyes?

Oh, and let’s not forget the forced eye contact. What are you supposed to look at? The floor? Their forehead? Their soul??

Too much eye contact? Now you’re in a duel.

Too little? Now you’re suspicious.

Look at their hand? Creepy.

Look past them? Disrespectful.

WHY is hand contact this complicated? Humans have been alive for thousands of years. Figure it out.