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THE FORBIDDEN SNACKS

Alright. Be honest. Who here has ever thought about eating something they absolutely should not eat?

I’m not talking about, like, expired food. I mean full-on inedible objects. A bar of soap. A Tide Pod. A particularly smooth river rock.

Right? That’s a universal thing, yeah? Because I’ve never met a single person who hasn’t, at some point, stared at a bar of soap and thought, What if?

And the worst part? Your brain tells you it’s gonna taste like vanilla.Your brain is a lying to you.

And it’s not just soap. There’s a whole damn list of objects that should not be eaten but every single one of us has considered biting.

Tide Pods. NOT OUR FAULT. Someone in a lab designed them to look like high-end gushers and expected us to just go about our day like that’s normal. That’s entrapment.

A Magic Eraser. Looks like it would dissolve into a perfectly chalky citrus experience. It’s giving ghost marshmallow.

A Smooth River Rock. Don’t act like you’ve never locked eyes with the right rock and felt a deep, primal, spiritual need to put it in your mouth. That’s ancestral memory.

Deodorant. It’s just a giant peppermint patty with authority issues. Why does it look like it should be minty and cleanse my soul? Would absolutely murder me.

A candle that looks like a cake. Why the hell does it look like that? I blew out the candles. I PASSED THE TEST. Why is it still edible-adjacent?? Whose fault is this??

Packing peanuts. “Oh, don’t worry, they’re made of cornstarch, they’re totally edible.” SHUT THE EFF UP. That is government propaganda.

And you know what’s really messed up? Scientists will tell you this is a psychological glitch. Some brain misfire. Like, “Oh, don’t worry, that’s just your neurons being silly.”

No.

What if some objects were never meant to be bitten?

Or worse… What if they were?

So if one day you hear that I’ve died because I accidentally ate a decorative soap bar and a suspiciously smooth rock, just know: I went out swinging against forces bigger than myself.